Sign of the Times

"Just stop your crying, it's a sign of the times...
We gotta get away from here, we gotta get away from here."
- Harry Styles

***

I'm not sure why today, of all days, feels like the right timing, but it just does.

I walk into the basement at 7am and sit down on a cushion on the floor.

Notebook in front of me, I begin to write.

***

My name is Sarah Lee and I am an Achievement Addict.

I live in the imprisonment of my mind, constantly seeking the approval and admiration of others.   My perfectionism borders disorder and every goal I achieve is replaced by something of greater heights.  There is an emptiness that I long to have fulfilled and a fear of not doing enough, not being enough.  I keep hoping that the next achievement will fill that void but the gap expands.  I wear my dedication like a badge of honor and continue to raise the bar.  

Today, I begin a journey for freedom.   

I commit to releasing my negative self beliefs and letting go of the past.   I aspire to regain the power and strength I've allowed to fade away, by facing this period of my life head on.  I will dig through the rubble, bring forward my buried dreams and dust them off.   Through my writing, I will share my experiences, how my beliefs shaped my path and how shifting them course corrected my future.  If I'm lucky, my story will make a difference to someone, somewhere, somehow, that there is hope.

I write for three flowing pages and I think back to the beginning.

***


I could hardly function.  
I could permanently feel the bags beneath my eyes.   
I remember staring out the window, watching the rain, paralyzed, tears streaming down my face.   
I had so much to do.
I didn't even know where to start.
I was always worrying.   
Worrying about if I was liked.   
Worrying about getting everything done.   
Wanting to be first.   
Wanting to be the best.
I had cycled my way to burn out and I was beyond repair.
The phone would flash for days before I checked the messages.
I made excuses about why I couldn't go out.
I was so low.
The only energy I had I saved to go to work.
I wore a mask of happiness and solved challenges all day which kept me busy enough to ever consider looking within.
I was defined by the praise and acceptance of everyone around me, except myself.

***

Doctor: "Would you say you like to have everything in it's place?"

Me: "Yes."   (Beaming)

Doctor: "Would you say its fair to say you have perfectionistic tendencies?"

Me:  (beaming) "Yes.  Yes I definitely do"

Doctor: "In your job, do you have perfectionistic expectations of those you work with?"

Me: "No."

Doctor: "But you have this of yourself?"

Me: "Yes."

Doctor: "If your team does not perform to your expectations, how do you handle it?"

Me:  "I try to overcompensate".

Doctor:  "So you don't have unrealistic expectations of others, but you expect to plug all the holes yourself if there are problems"

Me:   "Pretty much"

Doctor:  "Tell me what happens if you fail"

Me: "I crash.   I fall apart.   I beat myself up mentally.   I spiral.  It snowballs to my whole world collapsing.  And then I convince myself I'm never going to get it figured out and I create this complete mental block of what I was trying to achieve.  I't's really hard to bounce back from failure.  That's where I am now. I want everything to run perfectly.   I want the company to run perfectly.   I want everyone to adhere to what they are supposed to.   I want to work hard and be recognized.   I want to be the best.  I don't want anyone to dislike me.   I need everything in order.  And if someone or something threatens me, the wound rips open and I feel like a complete failure again.  

(tears)

Doctor: "Do you like to have everything tidy?"

Me: "Yes"

Doctor: "How does it affect you if something is out of place?"

Me: "It wouldn't be".

Doctor: "Do you do things repetitively like double check the locks on your doors or make sure the coffee maker is off - those kinds of things?"

Me:  "Well, I don't double check the locks but I have been known to go back home certain I left the coffee maker or the straightener on."

Doctor:   "What does your personal life and your relationships look like?"

Me:  "My relationships are a mess.  It never seems to work out like my vision.   Dr, I really do try to figure this all out.   I've read every self help book on the market and I just can't seem to fix myself.  Maybe I'm just meant to be on my own."

Doctor: "hmmm...."

Doctor:  "I think we need to take you down a notch to where the rest of the world is living.   Put the self help books back on the shelf and go get a novel".

***

True story.

I watched her type her notes onto my medical records.

click-click-click

OCD, Perfectionistic tendencies, burn out triggered depression

That's how it all started.

That was when three very important beliefs happened that shaped probably fifteen-twenty years of my life.   

I thought I was broken.   

I thought I was the only person who felt this way.  

I believed I had a mental disorder.  

And I started a roller coaster of medication.

***

Before I go any further, I think it's worth noting a few things.   

I don't fault my Doctor at all.   In fact, she is one of the most brilliant women I know.   We are living amidst a mental health crisis and all our physicians are doing the best they can with the awareness and knowledge they have to date.  The research and findings today far exceed what was present in the late 90's / early 2000's.

I believe that every mental health case is different.   There is a time and a place for medication and there are cases that warrant it.  I would never tell anyone to stop taking a drug or that they didn't need it.

What I do know is this.  

There is no way that our society is meant to have 65% of our population medicated.  Something is very wrong.  We are sick, disconnected, lost, misaligned, and stuck in patterns that have left us depressed, anxious and exhausted.

And I believe for many of us - if you are willing to do the work, there is a way out.   

But the only way out is through.