Fire Away

"Well, I wish I could say 
that I've never been here before"
- Chris Stapleton

***

In 2016, Chris Stapleton made a powerful social statement with his video for the song "Fire Away".

It is, without a doubt, one of the most moving music videos I've ever watched and never fails to haunt me every time I see it.

He wanted to create a compelling story that would bring awareness to mental illness and during the various scenes, he hits on five signs of emotional suffering  - personality changes, agitation, withdrawl, decline in personal care and hopelessness.

The video shows the demise of a woman in a new relationship crumble to her illness over time, and it is completely heartbreaking.  While it is definitely disturbing to watch, it ended up winning the CMA award for Best Video of the Year, the year it was released.

This song is purposely selected and placed at this point, because it is about the power of the current in any wave of depression.

It is a reminder that it's so easy to be swallowed by emotion, and the importance of staying very conscious of all the thoughts in my mind.

***

The tenth day I feel completely defeated.

I go along quite nicely for the other nine days with my routine.

La dee da.

Well, maybe it isn't ten.
Maybe it's more like twenty or thirty.

Yeah, it's probably more like thirty.

But regardless, it definitely was today.

There is a pain on one spot on my foot that is lighting up every time I touch the ground.   My right calf is aching.  My right wrist has a bone spur on it that is acting up every time I exercise or write.

I've applied to so many jobs.

It just seems like nothing is going quite right.

I've submitted my writing to a number of places online.  I've spoken to a school, although it wasn't my best.   I've delivered a fantastic afternoon of workshops but so far, it's been a one off.  I've pitched a dozen workshops elsewhere.   I've done a few Reflexology treatments here or there but certainly nothing worthy of a full time career at this point.  I've talked to people, written to people, interviewed with people .... and just nothing seems to be cracking.

Except me.

I'm officially cracking.  

I got down to the waterfront this morning with all its beauty and I felt beat up.  I've used most of my savings.  I've felt shame and embarrassment from all the treating every one else has had to do with me all year.  I have Christmas around the corner.  My clothes are worn and need replacing.   I have a list of things to buy that is growing daily.

Every pain is surfacing.

Long lost relationships not healed, savings depleted, jobs lost.

Tears streaming down my face as it all comes tumbling out.

Why isn't anything working?

It's not like I'm banging the same drum over and over again.  
I'm changing tactics, constantly rethinking, reworking a plan.

If I lose my comfort in my daily routine of walking and writing, from chronic pain, what do I do then?  

I need this to keep me sane.

***

What if I'm actually healing?  
What if my spot on my foot is actually working out the lump that was there and breaking it down into tiny little pieces?  
What if the bone spur on my hand has created support?  
What if all my aches and pains are telling me a story that I can listen to and solve?  
What if my movement releases the stale energy in my body, the years of build up of emotions?  
What if it's all coming unblocked?
What if my unemployment has allowed my friends and family the gift of giving to me that I've denied at times when I've been able to carry my own?

What if, right before you open the door to success, you must feel like this?  

Feel the lowest part of your life.  

Feel desperate.  
Feel pain.  
Feel worry.  
Feel fear.  
Feel panic.
Feel unsure.

What if I'm actually standing right at the edge of a cliff I'm about to dive into and all these emotions, all the ones that hold you back from success, must be felt first.  

A humble reminder of my starting point.

As I walked back, the sun on my back, I asked one question that I so desperately wanted the answer to.

The question was "what am I missing?"

What is it that I haven't thought of yet?  
What is the missing ingredient that might make the difference?  

The answer was quick and clear.

Patience.

I'm missing patience.

I know that without a doubt this recipe works.   I don't even know how I know this but I do.   I know I am diligent and have done every ounce of work possible to chart this course and reshape my life.

I feel so sure that if I am in full alignment with giving and serving others through the gifts I've been given, that my emotional health will be strong and lean.  I am certain this is the key to fulfillment and happiness so many of us are missing.

I just have to be patient.

We have learned to expect instant returns on our efforts and wait times incur suffering and doubt.


***

Ugh.

How I hate the reality of the tenth day.

The pain it causes me when I'm so frustrated on my journey and wanting to give up.

The anger I want to release and the shame I want to wash away.

But it is in the tenth day fog, I hear the voice so loud and clear of what it is I'm missing and what I need to do next.

When life gets dark, there are always two choices.

Block the pain in whatever way we choose to do that.
(The usual suspects of busyness, medication, alcohol, drugs or television.) 

Or sit in that tenth day.

Sit in it real hard.  

Feel the aches and pains our body brings us to teach us to pay attention.

Sit quietly and reflect.

Ask the hard questions.

And wait.

***

I made a detour on the way home.

I stopped at a coffee shop, ordered my tall bold, sat down and took out my phone.

I have an exercise that I love to do when I feel stuck or doubtful, and I always make time for it at this time of year.

I typed the following exercise -

10 Successes 
10 Disappointments
3 Game Changers
3 Things You Focused On
3 Things You Forgot
10 New Intentions

One by one, I started to fill in all the answers, and the results of the last year started to take form.

There is progress I'm so quick to overlook in many aspects of my life.

I am more attentive and present with all my relationships without the constant addiction to work.   There has been time to attend classes and courses I never would have made the commitment to complete outside of a job, for fear that I would be needed and be unavailable.  Home projects were finished that required personal growth and teamwork.  I have changed the foundation of my daily habits and practices and created a routine that is deeply fulfilling and shifted my mindset.

I love this exercise because it draws attention to the highlights and paints such a good picture of where we are and where we want to go.

***

Patience is a virtue I struggle with, although perseverance is not.

The answers are there.
The answers are always there, hidden beneath suffering and doubt.

The road to health and success is not always linear, and often we are challenged to our default wiring of negative self talk and defeat.  

But even when we are in despair, we are not static.  

We are always moving and there is progress we do not always see.

"Only those devoted enough to go to the fiery edges of their highest limits will expand them.  And the suffering that happens along the journey of materializing your special powers, strongest abilities and most inspiring ambitions is one of the largest sources of human satisfaction." 
- Robin Sharma, The 5am Club

Meant To Be

"If it's meant to be, it'll be, it'll be
Baby, just let it be"
- Florida Georgia Line

***

I used to belong to the High Church of England.

Doesn't that sound fancy?

It sounds to me like we used to go for Afternoon Tea and have those egg salad and watercress sandwiches (with the crusts cut off), and wear our frilly church clothes and Fasten-ater hats.

I cannot remember any of it, really, nor even what a church looks like there, but I know I did go when we lived in England and I was small.

***

When we moved to Canada, we started to attend a United Church.

There was no High Church of England here, so we had to improvise and find "the closest thing".

I don't really remember much of that either, except we sang hymns from a book that were in old fashioned English, and had words that ended with "th".  They were marked in numbers up on a board at the front of the church and I was always looking ahead to see if I was literate enough to sing the next one.

***

In the middle of Grade 10, I moved from Sarnia to Guelph and the public school system wasn't semestered until Grade 11.

I was granted an exception to enroll into the Catholic High School closest to our home to finish the year.

At that point, I attended school mass, took Grade 10 Religion and completely fell in love with the school and all the people in it.   I decided I wasn't going anywhere and spent the rest of my high school years there.

I learned that in a United church service, communion is a "representation" of the body and blood of Christ, but in a Catholic service, communion is believed to "be" the body and blood of Christ.

I wasn't really sure what to believe and if you crossed your arms over your chest, you could just skip the whole process of communion altogether.  For years I had to explain at every service that I wasn't "catholic" when I stood in the aisle and all my friends got up and went up to see the Priest.

I always felt a little bit left out when it came to mass because I wasn't 100% sure what on earth was going on and there were hand gestures that seemed equivalent to the symbolism in a baseball game.  We didn't have the internet so it wasn't like I could You Yube it or see what Wikipedia said but there was a lot of hand to chin, hand to heart, hand to lips stuff going on.

(Speaking of which, I really should look that up....)

I stumbled my way through those permanently awkward services and somehow made it to Graduation.

***

I lived my 20's as a fighter.

Fighting for control, fighting for status, fighting for recognition, fighting for attention.

I wanted so badly to be needed, respected, wanted and rewarded; that I was always working, trying to do out-do someone else and get a bigger title, dollar sign and name tag.

My inner compass was hidden far, far beneath my desire for more and my fear of further failure.

I bought my first condo at the Chicopee Ski Hill in Kitchener when I was in my early 20's for $64,500 in a Power of Sale.  I had to prove that just because I was thrown out of school, didn't mean I couldn't be responsible enough for my own place.  I struggled to make ends meet but never owned up, because I wanted to prove I was going to be successful, no matter what road I had to travel to get there.

I've lived in 10 homes since my 20's and owned 6.   Always trying to advance to the next level in the video game and overcome my failures with a new vision of what success looked like.

There was no Spirituality focus during this decade.

Or the next.

***

My 30's brought me additional baggage of a failed engagement and failed marriage to carry around with me.

A new wave of dating to dust off all my hidden demons and let them out to play.

Failed education, failed relationships and expired friendships, I started owning my negative thoughts and letting them take up some prime real estate in my mind.

Yeah, I am stupid.
Yeah, I'm brutal at relationships.
Yeah, I'm totally unstable.
Yeah, I always seem to take the hard road.

I would say things like "shit doesn't happen for a reason", "shit just happens".

It was like I believed we just had to survive until the finish line of death.

***

One of the strangest epiphanies happened during the oddest of times.

It was a reflection of the Hunger Games movie, specifically the aerial view scene where it shows a giant clock (?) or wheel.   The wheel is broken into sections like a pie, and whatever her name is (Jennifer Lawrence) is hanging on during this nasty storm, waiting to be tossed into the next section of the pie.

(I've probably totally butchered if it is even a pie or a clock or a wheel or what the hell it is - but trust me, there is an aerial view scene that somewhat fits this picture).

For some magical unknown reason, this scene resonated so much to me about life. (Fairly certain that was the idea.)

How we are stuck in patterns, repeating the same behavior over and over (and in my case over and over some more), until we finally learn the lesson and just as we think we've got it, we move forward to get thrown into the next lesson that's lurking around the corner.

This one simple movie scene actually triggered my awareness that there is, quite likely, something larger than life that exists.

It also taught me to pay a little closer attention to the patterns in my life because the sooner I learn them, the sooner they are replaced with something new.

***

The next "big thing" happened right after my job loss (or "early retirement" I prefer to call it) when I attended a Personal Leadership Workshop.  There were four principles that we operated to master the Art of Detachment for the weekend.

These principles talked about natural evolution - that the only thing that could happen is what does, with the right people in the right time and space.  We can't force an outcome and thinking more about things doesn't make them happen any faster.

It helped me release such rigid control of timing and expectations and "doing".

I started to understand that I could only control my own emotions and actions, and as long as I did the best I could with what I know, then I had to release the attachment to what was going to happen next.

***

That weekend led to an obsession of reading over the next six months.

The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, The Book of Secrets by Deepak Chopra, Harnessing the Power of Coincidence by Deepak, You Can Heal Your Life, Unplug ... the list could go on and on and on.

As my yoga practice increased, I simultaneously started learning more about the Chakra system and Eastern medicine.   I purchased Eastern Body, Western Mind, The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda and took my Reiki 1&2 levels.  I don't practice it, but I heavily believe in the principles and the spiritual guidance.

I started to notice that there was synchronicity showing up in my world that could not possibly be explained - or perhaps it totally could.

***

I love this quote from Melodie Beattie's "Journey to the Heart" -

November 26
Take time to develop a vision

As above, so below.  First it happens in spirit.  Then it manifests in the physical.   Not the other way around.   

First we see a vision.   Our soul tells us through the words and eyes of our heart.   Then the steps become clear and we see the order in which they should be taken.   Then it is finished.   By the time the vision has arrived, it is already, as some day, a done deal.

You waste so much time and energy when you try to accomplish something before you envision it.   Learn to let the vision come first.   Take time to shape it in spirit before you try to shape it in physical form.   If you can't see something clearly, the vision may not be complete.   Take the time you need to think about it, to let it come into focus, to let the vision take shape in your mind.

Operating from a vision will guide us onto our highest path.   It will also make our life and work so much easier.

***

Create a vision.
Have faith in the outcome.
Believe.

Trust that the obstacles are designed and placed, for reasons, along the way.

That there is an intelligence so big beyond us that it is orchestrating thousands and millions of moves on a giant chess board every millisecond of our existence.

The traffic jam we are sitting in might be for someone else's purpose to be filled at that moment.

Stepping stones are there to give us footing on our path and ease us into our future.

***

I haven't been on a payroll for over a year and a half.

In fact, in 2018, I've made exactly $2,120.00.

I have applied for hundreds of jobs that haven't worked out in many different fields.   Consulting, Training, Operations, Human Resources, mid senior level, junior, VP level, City jobs, you name it.

I have a morning ritual I am fanatical about with no guarantee that it's going to pay off.

There is not a doubt in my mind, that without a shift in my belief system, without a shift in believing that there is a greater force in this world and a greater plan for my skills and gifts - my mental health would be anything but stable right now.

I would be depressed.   I would question my value.   I would question my self worth.   I would start to think I needed to "lower" my expectations of myself or question the path I was on.  I would definitely medicate my way through "this difficult part of my life" and I would likely be pretty ill mentally and physically after one full year of this - most definitely by the time I was starting on year two.

But I haven't.

I am relentless at programming this new belief system.

At finding a new way to live, a new way to work, and a new way to think.

***

I can still remember the comment as clear as day.

"Sarah, you know what your problem is?"

Hmm, let's see.   
Thank you for pointing this out.   
I have many.   
Which might you be referring to?

*sigh* 

"What is my problem?"

"You have no faith."

I never forgot that.

***

Well, I have faith now.

Without faith, I honestly can't even imagine the state I would be in.

I believe I am powered and led by a force that's much greater than I that cannot be explained.

I believe that what's meant for me will not miss me, and all will unfold in the right time and space, easily and effortlessly, with harm to no one else.

I believe synchronicity is part of an intelligence that is larger than life and I would challenge how much of my future is already written, just not known to me.

I believe, collectively, all our thoughts and actions are part of a greater evolution of humanity.

That is my faith and I am completely and utterly surrendered to these ideals.

I don't think it matters who's eating what bread or what it represents; I'm not sure there is right or wrong here.

But I have seen enough miracles occur that it is difficult to deny in a deeper intelligence that lies in this world.

***

I was on one of my morning walks, reciting my vision and desperately wanting affirmation that I wasn't crazy and that I was on the right track.  These days, prayer, in my own form and own religion, has been carrying me through.

Please help me use my gifts for higher good.   Help me surrender my limitations and welcome new and expansive ideas.   Grant me serenity to handle any success with grace and ease and to always remain humble and grateful always.   Please help me transform into the best version of who I can be - one that creates and inspires.   Help me heal through my creativity and expression.

About half way down the beach, I saw a man in the water.   It was October and the water was absolutely frigid.   No sane human being is walking through the edge of the water of Lake Ontario in October.  I was squinting as I walked closer, trying to see if I was completely delusional or if there really was a person there.

As I got close to him, I smiled and yelled over to him "Morning!   Are you out of your mind?   Isn't that cold??"

He replies back to me, "In Europe they call this Reflexology.   I'm massaging the bottoms of my feet."

You must be FREAKING kidding me.

I said, "I'm a Certified Reflexologist." 

Laughing.

The next day he came for a Reflexology treatment at the studio I work out of.

I CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP.

Don't even try and tell me that this is normal.

That was as bold a sign as I've ever seen reminding me to stay on course.

***

So I stay on course.

Walk.   Coffee.   Journal.   Walk.   Affirmations.   Intentions.  

I do my best.

I keep the faith.

I keep it together.

***

* sigh*

Except the tenth day.

That damn tenth day.

Something about the tenth day gets me every time.