Fire Away

"Well, I wish I could say 
that I've never been here before"
- Chris Stapleton

***

In 2016, Chris Stapleton made a powerful social statement with his video for the song "Fire Away".

It is, without a doubt, one of the most moving music videos I've ever watched and never fails to haunt me every time I see it.

He wanted to create a compelling story that would bring awareness to mental illness and during the various scenes, he hits on five signs of emotional suffering  - personality changes, agitation, withdrawl, decline in personal care and hopelessness.

The video shows the demise of a woman in a new relationship crumble to her illness over time, and it is completely heartbreaking.  While it is definitely disturbing to watch, it ended up winning the CMA award for Best Video of the Year, the year it was released.

This song is purposely selected and placed at this point, because it is about the power of the current in any wave of depression.

It is a reminder that it's so easy to be swallowed by emotion, and the importance of staying very conscious of all the thoughts in my mind.

***

The tenth day I feel completely defeated.

I go along quite nicely for the other nine days with my routine.

La dee da.

Well, maybe it isn't ten.
Maybe it's more like twenty or thirty.

Yeah, it's probably more like thirty.

But regardless, it definitely was today.

There is a pain on one spot on my foot that is lighting up every time I touch the ground.   My right calf is aching.  My right wrist has a bone spur on it that is acting up every time I exercise or write.

I've applied to so many jobs.

It just seems like nothing is going quite right.

I've submitted my writing to a number of places online.  I've spoken to a school, although it wasn't my best.   I've delivered a fantastic afternoon of workshops but so far, it's been a one off.  I've pitched a dozen workshops elsewhere.   I've done a few Reflexology treatments here or there but certainly nothing worthy of a full time career at this point.  I've talked to people, written to people, interviewed with people .... and just nothing seems to be cracking.

Except me.

I'm officially cracking.  

I got down to the waterfront this morning with all its beauty and I felt beat up.  I've used most of my savings.  I've felt shame and embarrassment from all the treating every one else has had to do with me all year.  I have Christmas around the corner.  My clothes are worn and need replacing.   I have a list of things to buy that is growing daily.

Every pain is surfacing.

Long lost relationships not healed, savings depleted, jobs lost.

Tears streaming down my face as it all comes tumbling out.

Why isn't anything working?

It's not like I'm banging the same drum over and over again.  
I'm changing tactics, constantly rethinking, reworking a plan.

If I lose my comfort in my daily routine of walking and writing, from chronic pain, what do I do then?  

I need this to keep me sane.

***

What if I'm actually healing?  
What if my spot on my foot is actually working out the lump that was there and breaking it down into tiny little pieces?  
What if the bone spur on my hand has created support?  
What if all my aches and pains are telling me a story that I can listen to and solve?  
What if my movement releases the stale energy in my body, the years of build up of emotions?  
What if it's all coming unblocked?
What if my unemployment has allowed my friends and family the gift of giving to me that I've denied at times when I've been able to carry my own?

What if, right before you open the door to success, you must feel like this?  

Feel the lowest part of your life.  

Feel desperate.  
Feel pain.  
Feel worry.  
Feel fear.  
Feel panic.
Feel unsure.

What if I'm actually standing right at the edge of a cliff I'm about to dive into and all these emotions, all the ones that hold you back from success, must be felt first.  

A humble reminder of my starting point.

As I walked back, the sun on my back, I asked one question that I so desperately wanted the answer to.

The question was "what am I missing?"

What is it that I haven't thought of yet?  
What is the missing ingredient that might make the difference?  

The answer was quick and clear.

Patience.

I'm missing patience.

I know that without a doubt this recipe works.   I don't even know how I know this but I do.   I know I am diligent and have done every ounce of work possible to chart this course and reshape my life.

I feel so sure that if I am in full alignment with giving and serving others through the gifts I've been given, that my emotional health will be strong and lean.  I am certain this is the key to fulfillment and happiness so many of us are missing.

I just have to be patient.

We have learned to expect instant returns on our efforts and wait times incur suffering and doubt.


***

Ugh.

How I hate the reality of the tenth day.

The pain it causes me when I'm so frustrated on my journey and wanting to give up.

The anger I want to release and the shame I want to wash away.

But it is in the tenth day fog, I hear the voice so loud and clear of what it is I'm missing and what I need to do next.

When life gets dark, there are always two choices.

Block the pain in whatever way we choose to do that.
(The usual suspects of busyness, medication, alcohol, drugs or television.) 

Or sit in that tenth day.

Sit in it real hard.  

Feel the aches and pains our body brings us to teach us to pay attention.

Sit quietly and reflect.

Ask the hard questions.

And wait.

***

I made a detour on the way home.

I stopped at a coffee shop, ordered my tall bold, sat down and took out my phone.

I have an exercise that I love to do when I feel stuck or doubtful, and I always make time for it at this time of year.

I typed the following exercise -

10 Successes 
10 Disappointments
3 Game Changers
3 Things You Focused On
3 Things You Forgot
10 New Intentions

One by one, I started to fill in all the answers, and the results of the last year started to take form.

There is progress I'm so quick to overlook in many aspects of my life.

I am more attentive and present with all my relationships without the constant addiction to work.   There has been time to attend classes and courses I never would have made the commitment to complete outside of a job, for fear that I would be needed and be unavailable.  Home projects were finished that required personal growth and teamwork.  I have changed the foundation of my daily habits and practices and created a routine that is deeply fulfilling and shifted my mindset.

I love this exercise because it draws attention to the highlights and paints such a good picture of where we are and where we want to go.

***

Patience is a virtue I struggle with, although perseverance is not.

The answers are there.
The answers are always there, hidden beneath suffering and doubt.

The road to health and success is not always linear, and often we are challenged to our default wiring of negative self talk and defeat.  

But even when we are in despair, we are not static.  

We are always moving and there is progress we do not always see.

"Only those devoted enough to go to the fiery edges of their highest limits will expand them.  And the suffering that happens along the journey of materializing your special powers, strongest abilities and most inspiring ambitions is one of the largest sources of human satisfaction." 
- Robin Sharma, The 5am Club