My Church

"I find my soul revival, singin' every single verse.
Yeah, I guess that's my church."
- Maren Morris

***

I love when I start something with one specific intention in mind, and it ends up having a completely unexpected, secondary effect I didn't see coming.

***

I started walking this Summer.

I started walking, because the only way I know how to relax is to go to the beach, and I'm fortunate to be only a few kilometers away from one.

Something happens to me at the beach that doesn't happen absolutely anywhere else, and it is where I feel perfectly balanced.

I am grounded with the earth beneath my feet, the sound of the waves lapping gently beside me, the sun streaming down with all its energy, the air cleansing my lungs, the quality changing with every season, and I am, in one moment, in alignment with all the elements.

I started this habit specifically to gain time in solitude, to reflect and figure out where I was headed next, and as a "workaholic", to "schedule" relaxation every day.

***

In the beginning, I soaked it all in, without really understanding it's power.

Day after day, I would tie up my shoes after my morning coffee and head out the door, mentally setting an intention for the day and reciting my affirmations as I made my way down to the waterfront.

In the earlier days, the monster walked with me.

I would say my affirmations in my mind and I would hear things like -

What makes you think people are going to listen to what you have to say?   
Who do you think you are that you can help other people?
Just wait until they hear who you really are.
Hail to the born again Christian who can do no wrong.

And I would have to recite my positive thoughts over and over again to myself.

I am a good person with a good heart and I want to help others.
The only thing that I can control is my actions and reactions to today.   
The past does not have to define my future.
I believe in who I am today.
I am so grateful for who I've allowed myself to become.

My past would show up to play little games in my head, replaying like an old 45 stuck on a scratch.

Rejection
Shame
Regret
Humility

I had no idea the time alone was going to allow all my darkest thoughts, locked up so far away in the filing cabinets of my mind, to resurface and take a front row seat.

I increased the length of my walks.

I got rid of my music and all the noise blocking my recovery and kept going.

Determined.

Sorting through my mind.

I am not the only person who thinks this way.
I am not the only person who struggles with this monster.
I am better than this.
I believe in who I am today.

Day after day, I tied up my shoes and off I went.

I am safe.
I am loved.
I am protected.

I create abundance in my life by using the best of my gifts, skills and talents for higher good.

I handle any success with grace and ease.

I am humble.
I am kind.
I am grateful.

Programming the affirmations and silencing the voices until there was only my true self left.

***

There is a book I've picked up in the bookstore at least a dozen times within the past year.

I've picked it up off the shelf, flipped it open, either seen the word "God" or looked at an exercise at the back of a chapter, and either way, put it back on the shelf again.

Meh, not sure that's for me.

Eight weeks ago, I was in my usual favorite self help/ wellness section at Indigo, and there was that damn book again.

I picked it up and read the back  (for the zillionth time.)

"This book takes you on a journey that will cost you nothing (aside from this guidebook) and it brings much insight, gently helping you see what is holding you back, and showing you how to move forward.  Three times in the last decade I've committed to doing this process and each time I've learned something important and surprising about myself and my work. " - Elizabeth Gilbert

My first thought was "I don't have any money to go parading around the world to write Eat, Pray, Love" right now in answer to some guidebook.

My second thought was "I can't afford to go back to school for a third certification at the moment and the program is twelve weeks long with a book that costs $23.00.  It will give me something to do for the next three months."

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be writing about this book and dedicating an entire chapter to this process.

The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron should be renamed "The Way Out" or "This Way to Mental Health" or "Finding the Life You've Always Dreamed Of" or a whole slew of other things that fall into that similar line of thinking.

I am over the moon, in love with this book and what it is teaching me about myself, my purpose in life and what steps to take next.

I would highly recommend anyone looking for further fulfillment in their life, healing to anxiety and depression, an artistic outlet or any great self discovery tool, to check this out.

***

Beside the chapters that focus on topics like perfectionism, jealousy, anger and criticism, there are two key components to commit to for twelve weeks.
(and quite likely the rest of my life.)

The first is Morning Pages.   

Morning pages are essentially a journal.

Most people I know would instantly resist this and say "I'm not a writer" or "I can't write for that long" or "I don't have time."

Anyone with a laundry list of excuses as to why they can't do something is exactly where I was when I kept putting this book back on the shelf and probably isn't ready anyways.

But as they say, when there's a will, where there's a will, there's a way.

***

I now get up thirty minutes earlier every day.

I make my coffee and come downstairs to the basement and write for thirty minutes, sometimes an hour even (roughly three pages).

It doesn't need to make sense. It can be a streaming, nonsensical run of thoughts of every single thing that crosses my mind for thirty minutes or three long hand pages of writing.

It doesn't need to be "writing" material to be published.

It doesn't even need to ever be read again.

In fact, I have not once reread anything I've written.  (Nor could you since it's totally illegible.)

Because that isn't the reason for the pages.  

The pages are designed to be a release. A form of meditation that uses the emptying of thoughts onto a page.  They can be absolutely anything and everything that is blocking my mind from focusing on anything else.

They are an exit of obsession, fear, greed, and other stale, negative, neurotic, anxious thoughts.

The pages are brilliant.

I just write.

I write about yesterday.
I write about today.
I write about my fears.
I write about my dreams.
I write about what pisses me off.
I write about my ideal life.
I just keep writing.
For three pages.

Release.

When there is nothing left to write, nothing left to empty, all of a sudden there is a powerful thing in my mind called space.

There is now space to "program" more positive thoughts.   To re-wire.

I would challenge anyone who thinks they "are not a writer" to do this for thirty days.

Get up just a little earlier.

Go to the office a little earlier if you have one.

Maybe start with fifteen minutes a day.

Just try it.

***

The other commitment for twelve weeks is "one Artist Date per week".

One, uninterrupted 60-90 minute activity, to basically provide self care and inspiration to the creative side of who we are.

I had no idea I was already doing this everyday.

My walks weren't 100% effective though, because that monster spent a lot of time trying to bust into my thoughts, since the release was missing.

Journalling releases the negative thoughts and clears space.

Walking allows the receiving of new insights and ideas. 

A-mazing.

It doesn't have to be walking.

Sometimes I will go to a coffee shop and sit alone, unplugged and dreamy in space.

Next week I'm going to the Butterfly Conservatory in Waterloo because I've always wanted to go and I love the symbolism.

But every day, I walk.

The irony, of course, is that I'm actually quiet.

I walk to listen.

I walk to receive.

***

I have learned that in order to change the negative playback tape in my mind, there has to be a healthy release of those thoughts, without harm to myself or others.

There might be variations of these exercises.

Perhaps to some it's drawing, painting, any form of art therapy, or talking to someone who will listen without judgement as a form of release.

Receiving could be a vacation, a walk to the park, a day at the beach, a spa appointment.

The idea is that we are working with releasing and receiving as forms of self appreciation, which allow us to unblock from any area or issue holding us back to living with a healthy mindset.

We are choosing our emotional health as reasons to let go of anything we are holding onto that is unproductive.  In essence, my own health and happiness is more important than storing negative or traumatic information from my past.

It can go now.   
I don't need to hold onto it anymore.
I let go of this to allow for new, happier, healthier ways of existing.

These two habits that have become my religious practices I can no longer imagine living without.

***

If the release of negative thoughts and embracing of positive are the foundation on which our mindset is healthy, then spirituality is truly the cherry on top.

And for me, it has really been the Game Changer.

Settlin'

"I ain't settlin' for just getting by
I've had enough so-so for the rest of my life "
- Sugarland

***

The answer is very simple.

It can be true.

If I believe it.

***

I have a hypothesis on our Mental Health crisis.

I don't think a lot of people are living the way they want to live.

I say this in a very general, macro sense that does not address the 5-10% of rare brain disorders - (borderline personality, schizophrenia, extreme bipolar, etc) - but rather the vast majority of increasing depression and anxiety challenges.

I believe there is a direct link between how we live and the state of our mental well-being.

The decline in our mental health has coincided with an increase in consumerism, keeping up with societal influences, technology's unreasonable expectations, a faster pace, fast food, extreme fatigue, longer commutes, overextending our means and continually meeting instantaneous demands.

We are permanently "on", our only mode being "fight or flight",  likely causing some level of inflammation throughout every cell, including our brains.  We grasp for approval and acceptance through external channels, spending very little time alone to reflect or allowing our path to organically unfold.

Misaligned, under nourished, over fatigued and heavily stressed, it is no surprise our mental wiring has gone a little wonky.

To be clear, I have never doubted the validity of our mental health challenges, I have only ever questioned our role in unintentionally creating them, by the many factors in how we live and our traditional belief system.  Anxiety and depression seem to creep up on us, as signals that change is needed, or that we are misaligned in some way or another.

I wish I could say I understood the increase with our children, but I haven't studied enough of it to fairly comment.  Environmental toxins, nutrients, technology and societal shifts may all pose as part of the problem.

I do believe the essential key to living well and staying well is to write the script of how we want our lives to look and then evaluate all the obstacles in the way of achieving it - until what we're left with, is that our vision has become reality.

Or our sanity.

Whichever way you would like to look at it.

***

This was the script I used to recite growing up.

When I grow up, I will go to University and get a good paying "stable" job.   Then I will get married and have two kids, one girl and one boy, and maybe a dog.  (Highly unlikely).  I will work hard for many years, taking a family vacation to Florida in the Winter and the Caribbean on March Break and I will dream of retirement.   When I retire, I will do all sorts of traveling and crossword puzzles and then I will be a great grandparent and enjoy my family until I die.  

Because that's what you do.

That's what life is.

Isn't it?

What if that script doesn't work for me?

I'm not saying that it's wrong or that it doesn't work for loads of other people.  All I'm saying is that, maybe, we don't all fit that mold.  And if I try and jam myself into that mold, maybe I won't feel so well.

Maybe.

I'm willing to bet that if I interviewed a million people with anxiety disorders and depression, that I would find patterns of similarity of unfulfilled dreams, discontentment with the work they do,  regretted past behavior resulting in shame, guilt and low self worth and a belief system that has left them stuck and miserable, feeling like they don't fit in or somehow failed.

***

I watched a Ted Talk video recently on the discovery of a powerful euphoric drug called "Calypsol".

The lead researcher on the team, stumbled across this common "elated" feeling as an accidental side effect to the participants in a trial, as many discoveries are found.

She spoke about antidepressants, and the reality that, yes, they help many people with symptoms, but do not address the cause, without combined intensive cognitive therapy.

What fascinated me was that the drug she was discussing would take things to a new level.

Instead of medicating the "symptoms", we would "vaccinate" against the disease.

Where this would be tremendous, of course, is with our first responders; or any of those who are placed into situations that see the worst of humanity, and who are challenged with periods of PTSD or suffer dehabilitating depression.  To be able to prevent illness from forming in these human beings would be amazing.

Where I struggle with this though, is the generic thought that we need to vaccinate our society against anxiety and depression.

Are you kidding me??

How about we fix the freaking problem?  

How about that?

How about we dig deep within ourselves and re-align with what we want to do, where we want to be, how we want to behave and how we want to live?

How about we study the "why" on why these cases have become such an epidemic and put solutions in place to minimize or eliminate the symptoms of anxiety and depression, rather than medicate the entire next generation?

I'm not buying that we need to vaccinate the entire world.

I just can't buy it.

There has to be a way we can change the future, right down to the teens, the kids and the younger generations that follow.

Anxiety and depression are symptoms of a bigger problem.  I don't believe our people are broken.  I believe our society is.

We need to recognize that our traditional beliefs and way of operating are outdated and just might not be effective anymore.

And we need to dig much deeper and invite the possibility that there must be a shift that's required to move humanity forward towards contentment and fulfillment.

***

It starts with the exercise of creating a vision, unblocking talents and buried ideas about how we truly want to thrive in life - and then taking steps towards that reality and believing it's possible.

***

There's a real magical thing about the wiring in our brains.

It can change.

We can actually re-program it.  We can build new cells and stimulate growth.

Yes, we can use medication to help us in the process.

We can also use supplements, nutrition, exercise, meditation - all doing their part.

But we can also activate areas of our brain by visualizing.

We can create a picture of what it is we want every single day of our life to look like.

We can see it, feel it, imagine it.

Visualization activates parts of the brain, no differently than if it was "real" and taking place.

There have been studies done on mental health where patients literally "visualized themselves well" and through this exercise, got better.

In essence, then, this activity alone produces serotonin and feel good hormones, that help us feel better.

Create.   
Visualize.
Believe.

***

You know that old saying, "fake it til you make it"?

If our thoughts and beliefs become our reality, then we need to focus as much conscious attention as we can to adding positivity and a vision to our thoughts and beliefs.

When I first started reading about affirmations, I thought they were kind of hokey.

So I just start saying "I am" before things and they come true?

Meh, I'm not so sure about that.

The more I study habits of successful people, mental wellness "recovery" and emotional healing, they all seem to mention this though, over and over.

Write the affirmations you want to be associated with you and repeat them every day, as often as possible.

In the beginning, it may very well seem hokey.

But just like that old saying, "fake it til you make it", one day you wake up and by some small grace,  it's all starts to resonate as true.

What if affirmations are a significant part of the journey to "emotional health"?

What if they support our big picture of how we want to live?

What if they can actually help us re-wire our brains?

***

I write mine out every morning.

I am safe.
I am loved.
I am protected.

I am calm.
I am confident.
I am balanced.

I am curious.
I am inquisitive.
I am open to new possibilities.

I am healthy.
I am aligned with purpose.
I am at peace.

I am paving the way.
I am challenging beliefs.
I am inspiring change.

I am a writer.
I am a speaker.
I am a coach.

I am transforming.
I am healing.
I am well.

***

Create.
Visualize.
Believe.

Crimson and Clover

"Ah, now I don't hardly know her.
But I think I can love her."
- Joan Jett

***

Can I just tell you how badly I wanted the lyrics from "I Love Rock n Roll" to fit here?  

Sadly.

They don't.  

***

A few weeks ago, I led a Guided Meditation to a group of 50 college students at a Student Leadership Conference.

I want to share the exercise because the concept is such a great tool for reflection and creating a vision.

***

Close your eyes.

Focus on your breathing.  Increase the length of your inhales.   Take some nice deep exhales.  

Count to 4 as you inhale, count to 6 on the exhale.   Don’t focus on anyone else – just focus on the song of your own breath.  

Feel the energy start to settle in this room. 

Feel the calm start to ease your mind.

If your thoughts start to wander, just gently guide them back to your counting and your breath.

Notice your body today.

Take note of any areas of tension. Focus on that area to send breath to that area.

Picture yourself in the top right hand corner of the room looking down at your self and all others here in the room today.

What is it that you see?

What does your body language look like?

Are your shoulders relaxed?   Your jaw?   Your back?

Now think back to this morning when your alarm went off.

What was your routine?   Walk yourself through the first hour of your day?  Was it dark outside?   Did you eat breakfast?   Was your morning hurried or relaxed?   Did you see the sunrise?   What was the first thing you did?  Were you on time?   Notice any small change you could make that would help you shift your routine to accomplish a little more or shift where your energy is focused in those first few hours of your day.  

Walk through the rest of your day.  Who did you talk to? Was your pace rushed or slow and controlled?   Did you have enough time for everything you wanted to accomplish?  How much time did you spend scrolling through your phone?  Social media?   Responding to text messages?  Notice anything here that you could slightly adjust to allow energy for other things.

Walk through your evening.   Think about the past day, week, month.   What do you notice about your patterns?   Does anything stand out that you would like to change?  

What do you notice about your thoughts?  Are they kind?   Are they positive?   What do you notice about your behavior?   When you reflect back, are there are changes you could make that would shift the way you see yourself?

Fast forward one full year.   Imagine that you have complete control of your day and schedule.   What does it look like?  How has it shifted from where you are today?  

Fast forward five full years.   Imagine that you have the power to transform and change into anything you want.   What behaviors of yours do you want to lose?   What thoughts would you choose to change?   What elements of your past would you choose to let go of?   What are your five best qualities?   What is one way you could be kinder to yourself?   If you lived in a Utopian world, where everything was perfect and you could be anything you choose, what would you do and what would your days look like?   

As you shift your awareness back into the room, listen and hear the sound of the ticking of the clock.   Hear the sound of my voice calling you back.   Hear the sound of the breathing from the person beside you.   Hear the gentle beat of your heart and the cars outside the window.   

***

Take out a blank piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of the top half of the page.   On the left side, write down the 5 best traits you thought of about your self.   On the right side, write one personality trait you don't admire that you would like to change.   

On the bottom half of the page, write your vision for your Utopian world.  Include the values that you want to live by, the quality of your relationships, the type of job you have, the success you hold.  Assume that it is possible to create absolutely anything and be any type of person you wish and write out your vision.  

And then carry it with you every single day.

***

It is impossible to change, without a vision of what we want to change into.

I will openly share with you the intentions I set from doing this exercise.

My intention is to create abundance in my life by using the best of my gifts, skills and talents for higher good.  There is not any one thing I must do.   It can be a variety of things that use my gift of expression.   I seek the opportunity to travel and explore the world and I welcome all opportunities to do so.   I build strength in the foundation of my relationship and I have peace and harmony with all the other relationships that are in close proximity in my life.  I use honesty and courage to hold difficult conversations that will support positive change.  I am strong, lean and fit, emotionally and physically, and every day I become more of the person I was destined to be.  I am not defined by my past, but by how I choose to live today.  I am a good person with a good heart and good intentions, and my self worth is rock solid.  I believe that what's meant for me will not miss me and all will unfold in the right time and space, easily and effortlessly, with harm to none.   I inspire change through my writing and handle any success with grace and ease.  I am humble.   I am kind.   I am grateful.   I am fulfilled.  I will, from this day forward, always be true to myself. 

Now I get to ask the million dollar question.

Why can't this be true?

Twist of Fate

"This is a new beginning.
I'm back in the land of the living"
- Olivia Newton-John

***

Oh, she's back alright.
We just dug up Olivia Newton-John.

***

There is no greater idol in my lifetime than Olivia Newton-John was to me.  

Or, as she was fondly referred to by many, Olivia Newtron-Bomb, since she was quite the looker back in the days of the Princess Diana hair style  and "Let's Get Physical."

I'm fairly certain I even tried to dress up as her for Hallowe'en - sweat band, leg warmers and all.

Oh, and Sandy from Grease.

Not the nice school girl looking one from the beginning.   The one with the hot black leather pants at the end, with the smoke hanging out of her mouth.

"Tell me about it.   STUD."

I knew every word to the entire movie and pretty much every word to every song she ever wrote.

I wanted her hair, her accent, her fame.

All Olivia, all the time.

Her song tribute is well deserved.

***

I like the term Emotional Fitness.

Isn't it lovely?

It's a whole lot nicer than Mental Health.

I think the Canadian Mental Health Association should change it's name to the Canadian Emotional Fitness Institute.

Eh?

What do you think?  Doesn't it sound swanky?

I mean, I would way rather go to an Emotional Fitness Centre, than a Mental Health Association.

The name somewhat lends to the idea that you are exercising your mind and making it stronger.

Hmmmm...

It actually even suggests the mere possibility that you can get better, and that perhaps we are mentally out of shape, not mentally ill.

Less lock-up, more Lulu.

Just saying.

I like it.

Therefore, I will no longer refer to the words Mental Health, only Emotional Fitness, because I happen to like the term a whole lot better.

It sounds cool, like a place I wanna go.

"What are you doing after work?"

"Oh, just stopping in at the Mind Gym."

Cool, right?

Trust me, everyone is gonna want in and Gwyneth Paltrow will probably have her own chain.

***

The most powerful warm up that can be done for Emotional Fitness is to Create Awareness.

There are all kinds of trendy, fad-dy words out there that could replace this at the moment, but it all boils down to paying attention.

If our state of Emotional Fitness = our Thoughts + Beliefs, we need to spend some time and observe how we operate in both of these categories.

***

You know that scene in Harry Potter where he's on a broom stick, flying around, looking down at everyone beneath him?

I started to look at myself like that, from the corner of the room and almost as a third party.

I wanted to pay attention to two things.

What are the thoughts and language I use to describe myself, and what are the thoughts and language I use to describe others?  

I still do this, these days quietly in meditation, because it's now become second nature.

It is impossible to change your thinking, without awareness of what it is you're actually thinking about.

Go figure.

***

I learned very quickly how easily I could lose control over my thoughts, how the balance could fly off kilter and the negatives could spread like wild fire.

I watched myself compensate for the poor thoughts I had about myself, by responding defensively or speaking poorly about others in a quite failed attempt to make myself feel better.

(Side note: This behavior, of course, does nothing more than drive a false illusion of positive self worth, but never actually solves the problem.  All it really does is gives the monster some new ammunition to rear its ugly head and spew some more nonsense.)

***

I wanted a softer, kinder existence that didn't feel like I was always swimming upstream and at war.

Engaging in conversations that pointed out the flaws in others, and battling to prove my worth had become a really exhausting way to live and I wanted to change.

Once I allowed my true voice to start to shine through, I became astutely aware of how self destructive some of my past thinking was, and that art of awareness caused me to make some very simple shifts.

***

I released the need to be right.

Very rarely do we need to be right.   Our Ego is defensive, and desperately wants us to challenge anything because its' value is determined by external factors.  The other voice, our true self, is not valued in the same way and I only wanted to feed the voice I wanted to hear.

Let me give you an example.

There are six people in a room and one person is telling a story about two of them.   The person says "On Wednesday last week....", and another person in the room says "No,  it was Tuesday."

Their need to be right had to correct the error.

Guess what?

No one cares.

No one cares if it was Tuesday or it was Wednesday.

The Corrector undermined the person telling the story, out of a sole purpose to satisfy their own need to be right.

Now they obviously didn't do it on purpose to harm the other person, but if it happens often enough, the story teller stops telling stories.

Out of ten corrections, in my humble opinion, nine are likely unnecessary.

***

I released judgement.

I chose to stop talking poorly about anyone else, and if I caught myself doing it,  I chose to counter it quickly with something positive.

It is a really unhealthy habit to talk about shit about other people.

I don't even know of a nicer way to say that.

Unhealthy, unproductive, and unnecessary.

I found it led to me worrying about if the person I was talking about was going to find out what I said, I worried about if people were talking about me too, and in general, there was just a whole lot of time spent worrying.

I'm no better or worse a person than anyone else here on this earth and we all operate within our own current level of awareness and knowledge and trudge through the current lesson we are experiencing in our life.

I would speak about the good stuff; someone getting a new job, or traveling to a new city, or I would share stories that people shared with me.

I wanted to spend all my time talking about the future, what I wanted it to look like, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to travel.

I completely and utterly stopped all negative forms of gossip.

This is why I felt so compelled to address my comments, as far fetched as Chapter Two might seem, about Catherine Zeta Jones.   Not at all to backpedal on my opinion from the previous chapter, but because it wasn't true to who I am today.

My rule for myself is simple.

If I mess up and catch myself,  I own it and address it.

Period.

***

I started to accept a compliment.

I still have work to do here, but I'm consciously trying to get better.

Even this week, I still managed to downplay something nice that was said to me.

Friend at Yoga: "I love your writing Sarah.  You're really talented."
Me: "Thank you so much.   I really don't even know where it's all coming from."

Nice gracious acceptance, followed by depreciation.

Awareness is a beautiful thing because as you start paying attention to all the little details, instead of judging, you can start to think "hmmm, next time I'm going to answer - Thank you so much.   I really do love it." - and this allows for growth.

Being kind to ourselves is not always the easiest thing to do.

It takes effort and intention.

***

Emotional fitness is all about awareness and acting wisely on what we can change, while letting go of what we cannot.

Perfectionism, Obsessive Compulsive disorder, Bipolar, even Depression and Anxiety - all have roots in fear, control and attachment to a specific outcome, resulting in a relentless drive for external acceptance.

How can we release some of this pressure?

We are human.   We will make mistakes.  We will screw something up.   We will say something we are mortified came out of our mouths.

Awareness.
Correct.
Shift.
Back on course.

Notice the small changes, appreciate a lighter existence.

Soften some more.

There is only one person we should be comparing ourselves to, and that is who we were yesterday.

Investigate a little more.

What do you feel?

Is there any resentment?

Behind resentment, there is anger.   Behind anger, there is pain.   Behind pain, there is fear.

Be curious.

Explore.

***

What happens, if just for a moment, we let go?

What if the key to stronger emotional health is to release the grip that is so tightly held and trust that all will unfold in the right time and space?

What if we release our judgement, of ourself and others, what if we all practice a higher level of kindness and soften the need to be right, and allow room for the evolutionary flow to run with ease?

It all starts with awareness.

***

These seemingly tiny changes I made became the foundation on which I built a number of new daily habits - habits that I believe, not only, have re-written the program in my brain, but have also completely filled the void.

Brave

"You can be amazing.
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug."
- Sara Bareilles

***

When I was in Grade 8, I was told that I was a really good speaker, but I wouldn't be put through to the area wide speech competition because the topic I picked was too controversial.

The topic was AIDS.

Message received.
Don't talk about anything that might cause controversy.

***

When I was little, I answered all the questions directed to my younger sister.

When she wasn't talking at almost 3 years old, my parents were really worried.

I loved her so much, I really just wanted to help.

Every question that came forward, I chirped in and answered.

My parents frustration increased, and I could hear the impatience in their voices, as I was told over and over again.

"Be quiet and let your sister answer the question."

What I heard and how I interpreted this sentence, shaped my beliefs around the importance of my voice.

Message Received.
You talk too much.   What you are saying isn't important.   Be quiet.

This was never their intention, nor is it ever what was said.

I created this.

This is what filtered through to me.

***

Have you ever stopped and given thought to the beliefs you created and picked up along the way?

I have lots more of them.

"Sarah, do what Mrs. Ward from Class One in England told you and STOP TALKING.   She said to listen and you'll learn."

So I did.

Message Received.
Keep your mouth shut.   Other people have a more important voice than you do.

"Sarah, for God's sake.  Just keep the peace."

Message Received.
Avoid conflict.   Do not state your opinion.  And if you do, backpedal quickly.

(Apologizing to Catherine Zeta Jones is a perfect example of how I have not conquered this yet.)

***

Over the years, this translated into my behavior as a Leader.

I became an exceptional listener with a servant leadership style about how I operated.   I was empathetic, compassionate and provided sound advice.

But I had no voice in the boardroom.

I would clam up around a table of my peers and let everyone else speak first, knowing that we would likely run out of time, and I wouldn't have to say anything at all.

I didn't feel that what I had to say had any value, and I stumbled my way through meeting after meeting, rhyming off accomplishments to justify my existence.

I had so much incredible insight from listening to my team and the teams I was part of, but I never felt worthy enough to share any of it.

***

I created my own demise, and to this day, one of the most powerful things I have done is to take responsibility for my results.  I chose to see it in a different light, and to stop labeling myself as a victim or blame anyone else for my reality.

I did this.

I created everything around me.

No one else did.

I let the monster win.

I let him take the words, put them through a filter, and I took on whatever hat or role fit my narrative.

I needed to accept that I created all my own beliefs, rewrite them and shut the monster up.

***  

New message.

You are ahead of your time.   Our school system isn't ready to handle this topic yet, but keep speaking Sarah, because you have a strong voice and one day it will be heard.

New message.

We are really concerned about your sister because she isn't talking.   Can you help us and we'll see if she can answer some questions?

New message.

Listen and you'll learn.   Take it all in.   Get the whole picture before you form an opinion.   You will be invaluable to any organization if you do.

New message.

There is an art to stating your opinion that can help others see a different perspective.   Invite others to your unique viewpoint.  It doesn't have to be confrontational and there is nothing to be afraid of.

We can choose to decipher our experiences in a completely different way.

***

I started to play a game.

Every time that voice played in my head, I told it to be quiet.

"Sarah, you're never going to get another job".

Be quiet.

"Sarah, you're going to run out of money."

Shut it.

"Sarah, you're never going to make any money writing."

Shut ittttttttttt!!!!!!!

"Sarah, you don't have enough experience for this."

Shut it!   Shut it!  Shut it!
YOU HEAR ME?
I SAID
SHUT ITTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!

Every day, every negative thought that came into my mind, I challenged.

This went on for months and I became consciously aware of every thought.

And I recited what I heard for so long.

SHUT UP AND LET YOUR SISTER SPEAK.

***

And then it was quiet.

Real quiet.

So frighteningly quiet I could hear a pin drop.

I was scared.

Where did the monster go?

I thought I heard a voice.

It was faint, but I was pretty sure of it.

Is that voice mine?

The one hidden so deep I wasn't sure it existed anymore.

Bold, fearless and daring.

Was she brave enough to finally come forward and speak up?

Yes, yes, yes ...  that's her.

***

"Are you sure you're ready for this?"

It was quiet but I'm sure that's what I heard.

Yes, yes of course I am.

Pretty sure I heard a yawn too since that voice had been quiet for so damn long.

"Well, thank God.  It's about time.   Lady, you are outta shape."  

No, NO I'm not!

"I have watched you refuse compliments, depreciate yourself, self sabotage relationships and second guess every decision you make.  Your confidence needs work.  You need to be reminded of your self worth.   You need to understand your value.  If you're truly ready for this, you have to learn to trust yourself and commit to exercises every day to keep my voice strong.  You need Emotional Cross Fit."

Ugh.   Great.  She's pissed.

(And clearly well rested.)

"Put your shoes on."

I'm gonna puke.

Monsters

"I keep my faith intact, I make sure my prayers are said.
Cause I've learned that the monsters ain't the ones beneath the bed."
- Eric Church

***

There was a real big problem when I looked in that mirror.

I didn't like who I had become.

***

Every single person on this planet has two voices inside their head.  

They have the voice that tells them they are a shitty human being and they have a voice that tells them they are brilliant.  (More politely known as the voice that builds you up and the voice that tears you down.)

There is this ongoing battle between a unicorn and a monster.

(I cannot even fathom that I just used a unicorn as a reference point.)

Whichever one we feed with our thoughts is the voice that grows.

The beauty of antidepressants is that if you find the right drug, it distorts the voices.   They aren't as clear or as loud, so instead of the monster raging, or the monster and the unicorn competing for attention, no one side really wins.

***

But there are two concerns with antidepressants.

The first is that they carry side effects, some of which include the potential for getting worse, all of which can alter your personality.

"Antidepressants can sometimes cause a wide range of unpleasant side effects including but not limited to; nausea, increased weight gain, sexual problems, fatigue, insomnia, dry mouth, blurred vision, constipation, agitation, irritability, dizziness, anxiety."

Yes, I would say that is a "wide range".

My favorite line though is this one.

"Having suicidal thoughts while taking an antidepressant is a serious side effect."

Um, yeah, I would say that is a serious side effect.

NOT LIVING ANYMORE IS A FAIRLY SERIOUS SIDE EFFECT.

Besides the fact that there isn't an area of my body that couldn't potentially have a negative side effect from taking this drug, there is no guarantee that it will make me any better.  In fact, it's a lottery and you just don't know if your number will be called as the "rare case".

(Keep in mind that as I'm pointing this out, I also took one of these drugs, on and off, for over ten years of my life.  There is no judgment here, just sobering reality.)

***

The bigger issue is that they don't solve the problem.

They can, for sure, regain sanity and they sure did with me.  They stabilize the brain and get the neurotransmitters to spark and reconnect.  They can be a great starting point, but they are only half the battle.

After the physical and emotional withdrawal process from the drug, if you ever choose to brave that path, there is something waiting for you that no one ever tells you is coming.

The underlying issue is waiting at the finish line for you, waving at you with a big smile, and jumping up and down in a neon t-shirt.

Because the psychological component has to be faced or the inevitable loop is guaranteed to repeat.

Go on antidepressants.
Life is good.
Come off antidepressants.
Try to surf through the extreme emotions.
Monster comes raring back to life.
Try to hide from monster.
Can't face monster.
Go back on antidepressants.

Round and round the merry-go-round goes.

The underlying issue is always waiting for attention and rarely receives any.

***

I am never going to say I didn't have Rapid Cycling as a problem with my mental health.  It may or may not be in my DNA.  And I may or may not relapse in my future.  But I did something this time around that I had never done before and I would bet the farm it's what made the difference.

(I don't have a farm.   But if I had a farm, I would bet on it - that's how sure I am that this is the key to mental health.)

I chose to fight the monsters.

***

I would define Mental Health as simply this.

Mental Health = 100% of my thoughts + beliefs

If my thoughts and beliefs are horrible, my state of mental health is exactly that.

The monster wins.

If my thoughts and beliefs are amazing and positive, my state of mental health is exactly that.

The unicorn wins.

(Unicorn.   Still amused I used this reference.)

Most people carry a balance of positive and negative thoughts, occasionally swinging one way or the other.

Those with massive depression and anxiety are stuck continually feeding the monster.  It is being fed super-size happy meals with a hot fudge sundae for dessert.

(With cherries on top.)  

(And extra fudge.)

Those with bipolar disorder have extreme swings of feeding both.  We've got green smoothies one day and a bag of Doritos the next.

If 100% of my thoughts and beliefs equals my current state of mental well-being, where am I giving my power away?

Am I feeding the unicorn or the monster?

It almost seems like we are programmed with a default to fuel the monster, doesn't it?  

I wonder why that is?

***

Brene Brown puts this perfectly in her latest book, "Dare to Lead".

She calls us out on how naturally we are seduced by toxic feedback and become slaves to its dominance.

"Don't grab hurtful comments and pull them close to you by rereading them and ruminating on them.   Don't play with them by rehearsing your badass comeback.   And whatever you do, don't pull hatefulness close to your heart.   

Let what's unproductive and hurtful drop at the feet of your unarmored self.   And no matter how much your self doubt wants to scoop up the criticism and snuggle with the negativity so it can confirm its worst fears, or how eager the shame gremlins are to use the hurt to fortify your armour, take a deep breath and find the strength to leave what's mean spirited on the ground.   Cruelty is cheap, easy and chickenshit.   It doesn't deserve your energy or your engagement.   Just step over the comments and keep daring, always remembering that armour is too heavy a price to pay to engage with cheap seat feedback."

***

We have to find a way to adapt and thrive in a world that is demanding gratification.

Social Media is driving external acceptance saying "your self worth is defined by the number of likes you have, the number of friends you have, the number of shares you got."

Our reports cards label us with a grade, our workplaces reward us or punish us with a title, the latest iPhone is better than the last and our overall consumerism is at an all time high.

We have been taught not to settle.   We have been taught that our value is dictated by our accomplishments, our success, our jobs, our status.

What is the first question we hear when meeting someone new?

"What do you do?"

We are quickly categorized into a box, labeled and judged by our answers.

How do we reduce the weight we place on external sources and find peace within ourselves?

***

I made a very important decision the day I looked in that mirror.

I needed to become my own best friend.

I needed to stop placing all my value on what other people thought and find my own voice that was drowning underneath all the noise.

I started by putting up some barriers and committing to doing the work.

I reduced my accessibility on social media, I locked down my accounts, I created boundaries and distance to anyone or anything that wasn't going to be supportive in my personal growth.  I finished up my work contract and jokingly became "semi-retired."

I was literally left with me, myself and I.

Well Bestie, now what?

Man In The Mirror

"I'm starting with the Man in the Mirror.
I'm asking him to change his ways."
- Michael Jackson

***


I need to apologize to Catherine Zeta Jones and the Ice Doctor (I honestly cannot even remember her name).  It was unfair of me to poke fun at such a serious topic, but to be completely truthful, sometimes humor is the way I know how to handle something.

Dear Catherine Zeta Jones,

I am terribly sorry for offending you in my previous chapter.   
Entrapment was one of my favorite movies and I actually owned it on VHS.  
That whole cat suit and gymnastics through the laser beams thing?   
You were my idol for years.   
I hope that makes up for my offside comments yesterday.

Sincerely,
Sarah Lee

***

Oh noooooo!
I am going on Ellen, aren't I?

I'm going to be on Ellen and I will be sitting in that chair in front of the audience while she asks me questions.

Ellen: "So, you wrote a book that challenges the stigma of mental health and you talk about getting mentally fit and releasing your hold on medication." 
Me: "Yes."

Ellen: "In chapter two, you make reference to Catherine Zeta Jones in a rather bold attack against your health care."
Me: "Um, yes.   I clearly lost my filter that day."

Ellen: "Well, our team did a big search and look who we found to come in today."

As the audience claps, the Ice Doctor walks out onto the stage.

I start to remember that feeling of being about the size of a pea.

As she discusses all the benefits of the latest new antidepressants on the market, I feel like I want to be swallowed up whole and spit out into a garbage can.

Ellen: "Wait.  We have one more surprise for you Sarah.   (of course she does.)  If I remember correctly, you loved the scene from Entrapment with the red laser beams and the catsuit?"
Me: (laughing nervously)
Ellen: "We have recreated that exact scene and backstage have a replica catsuit for you to put on."

Oh dear God.

Ellen:"Just to be sure you remember the steps, we have someone here who'd like to show you the way."

Of course you do because you're Ellen.

Catherine Zeta Jones walks out on stage.

I am officially going to die.

The next five minutes shows embarrassing footage of her killing it, cat-like, as she maneuvers through the laser beams while I somewhat look like a child playing the board game Operation, being zapped and hearing the buzzer every time I try to weave in between the rays of light.

***

I feel it's somewhat important to note here that just because the Ice Doctor's treatment didn't seem to work for me, doesn't mean it doesn't work for thousands of others.  (I also bailed probably before a real solution was found.)   I didn't mean to be mean to my friend Catherine, who I secretly really admire, and I would be mortified if someone referred to me that way (which, by the way, has totally happened before.)

Back peddling complete.
Let's move on.

***

In 2015,  I ran my first half marathon in Toledo, Ohio.  The night before, I drank a bottle of California Cab, smoked 7 cigarettes, and ate two bowls of pasta.

(If you haven't seen the hockey commercial mocking carb loading from the team drinking green smoothies, you tube it.)

I call this Balance.  

Some might argue it was not.

A few months after this run, I announced that I was going to quit smoking.  (Generally, this goes as well as my failed attempts at coming off the antidepressants.   Irrational mood swings leading back to running to the corner store at some godawful hour and purchasing a new pack and smoking two on the way home.)

I will always remember the conversation because it become a negotiation of sorts.

I was challenged to come off the drugs first, smoking second.

"You know you don't need that stuff, right?"

But I could hide the drugs.  

I couldn't hide the cigarettes as easily and I was constantly looking for an escape to smoke and I was starting to feel like a second class citizen.  It had been years and I was feeling like a complete fraud, talking to people about fitness, and coming home to my smoking haven.  I made a deal that if I could get off the smokes, the drugs went next.

Two months after I quit smoking, I decided to give it a shot.

***

The process is long.

My pill cutter became my new best friend.

I got down to one pill a day, half a pill a day, a quarter of a pill a day.  

A quarter of a pill every other day.  

A quarter of a pill every two days.

I hung on to that last quarter pill for as long as physically possible.  

And then I was free.

***

There are things I did not know at this time.  

I did not know it is scientifically possible to build new brain cells.

I did not know there was more to my recovery coming than just the accomplishment of releasing the hold on the drug.

And I did not understand the power I had to control my beliefs, my thoughts and my future.

***

Whoa!

It was like someone had just thrown my emotional first aid kit out the window of an airplane and my oxygen mask was missing.

I had hid my feelings and emotions for so long, I didn't really know how to handle all that was surfacing.  

I would relate it to getting out of a float tank.  

A sensory deprivation tank but for my emotions.

The high's were high, the low's were crushing.

Everything was amplified.

I thought I could cry when someone gave me a compliment and cry when someone hurt my feelings.

Welcome back Sarah.
We missed you.
You have a lot of work to do.

Wait, what?

I thought this was it.

You know.

Come off the meds and carry on.

Aren't they supposed to re-wire my brain and fix my neurotransmitters so that eventually, when I come off them, it's like a magic new me?

NO?

Damn.

***

Over the period of a year, I discovered my tolerance for alcohol reduced from 15 glasses of wine to about 3 or 4.  (So much cheaper.)

The mood swings started to even out.

I woke up at the same time every morning without an alarm clock.

My empathy and intuition grew at alarming rates.

My internal compass had it's batteries replaced.

The areas that needed work in my life started to glow for attention.

The fog I lived in for so many years started to lift, and as the picture became clear - every mistake, every failure, every poor decision and every loss from my past all decided to compete in my thoughts.

This time though, I didn't cave.

This time, I took a deep breath.

This time, I walked right up, sat in the middle of all of it and looked it straight in the eye.

Comfortably Numb

"Come on, now.   
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain.
Get you on your feet again."
- Pink Floyd

***

I did what every Over Achiever in the world would do if they were labelled with a mental disorder.  I read so much about mental illness I could have received a Ph.D in Psychology.  I wanted to "understand" my "illness" and "accept it".

It actually served me quite well because it became a real good excuse for everything.  Any failure was because "all my neurotransmitters were out of whack" and any failed love interest was due to my loose marbles.

In fact, I did such a great job reinforcing to myself how broken I was, I went as far as seeking out the top 100 Psychiatrists in Canada and got referred to the one I wanted.

There is no greater accomplishment than sitting in the waiting room on the psychiatric floor of the hospital.  I mean, you gotta be bat shit crazy to hang out here.

It was one of the most self sabotaging decisions I've ever made in my life.

***

I hated going.

I dreaded it the day before, and the fear and anxiety on the day of the appointments was all consuming.   I sat in my car in the parking lot, choking back tears, terrified of going in.

(I mean, honestly, ANY human being that went into that environment would leave certain that they were destined for permanent un-health and a white strait jacket.)

I would see her, this calm, frozen ice pack of a woman they call the top doctor in Ontario, and I would instantly feel about the size of a pea.

She did a lot of 'uh huh'ing and nodding while I talked about my latest dramatic event.

I proudly told her of my perfectionism to make sure she knew I wasn't "that" kind of crazy, I was just the-professional-kind, you know, not the running-down-the-street-naked-lunatic-kind.

There were loads of decisions that could've been made on my first visit to her but the one she chose was an instant checkmate.  She wanted me to stop taking the medication I was taking and come back in two weeks so she could "establish a baseline".

If you have ever taken anti-depressants before, you will know this was advice that came with some hefty potential consequences.  It wasn't even a week before I was calling the office, desperate to get in to see her.  I was crying all day, emotional outbursts at trivial situations, mood swings and mental thoughts that were violently out of control.   I was afraid I was going to lose my job and my friends.   I was spiraling fast.

***

Back to the crazy ward I went.   Now fully owning the chair in that waiting room.   Thoughts spinning, tears streaming, panic rising about the state of my health.

The ice doctor brought me in.  More nodding and "uh huh" ing.  I was diagnosed with Rapid Cycling, a form of bipolar disorder.

Which, today, I might add is a SIDE EFFECT of withdrawing too quickly from the medication.  In essence, the rapid cycling behavior I was exhibiting was not a "baseline" but a "side effect".

Exactly what did she think was going to happen when I stopped taking a drug that had a massive warning label on the bottle that said "DO NOT STOP TAKING THIS MEDICATION ABRUPTLY."??

(As you can see, I still carry some hidden rage about this stage of my "recovery".)

That day, I was given a brand new, special cocktail.  I gave up my comfy Celexa blanket and I got a whole new slew of pills.   I was given an anti epileptic drug to "reduce the swings of high's and low's", an anti anxiety drug to sleep and take "in stressful situations" and a different anti depressant.

WOW.

I DIDN'T HAVE SEIZURES.
WHY AM I TAKING AN ANTI EPILEPTIC DRUG??

***

Now I'm really feeling special.  I must be pretty ill.  I'm on the Manic Depressive list now.   We've graduated from Perfectionism into a serious mental health illness and bi-weekly appointments to the Psych ward.

Yes, sir-eeeeee.
Part-y time.

Hopefully my room will end up right beside someone famous, like Catherine Zeta Jones and we can be new friends.

Catherine Zeta Jones: "What are you taking?"
Me: (as I shrug) "Oh, I'm on 3 different drugs.  Some anti epliptic and some other stuff."
Catherine Zeta Jones: "Wow.  You're way more screwed up than I am."

Yep, that's right.
I'm topping the charts these days.

I started googling "famous people with bipolar disorder".  
I mean, there has to be people that have found a way to use this for their benefit, hasn't there?

Sinead O'Connor, Mariah Carey, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Demi Lovato.

See, there is plenty of people like me.

Maybe I'll actually start making millions.   
Oooh, wouldn't that be great?
The clever artist, so talented and creative, rising from the horrific mood swings of her bipolar disorder.

***

But I was constantly feeling worse. 

I felt like I was the water inside a bubbling pot, but instead of turning the heat down on the stove, someone was standing holding the lid down, with all their might.

I was screaming inside my head, like I was buried alive, waiting for someone to come and let me out.

***

I started investigating and researching my family history, looking for someone to blame.

Who can I blame for how I got like this?   
How unfair that I have to see the Ice Queen and take all these pills?

My state of mind started to get worse.   My beliefs were piling, one on top of one another.  I'm no good.   I'm sick.   It's hereditary.   No one is going to love me.   I'm never going to be successful.   I think my friends are talking about me.    I think this person doesn't like me anymore.  

On and on it went, snowballing and snowballing as I got heavier and heavier in my mind.

***

I would go back every two weeks and there she is.

Sitting on her damn perch on her stool, while I'm sitting on the couch crying and she raises the medication levels a little bit more.   I felt like I was a character in Flowers in the Attic, being poisoned a little bit more on every visit.

I would sleep through my alarm, daze off when I was driving, operate on auto pilot at work.   I had no emotions.   I had gone from one extreme to the other.

And the best part is - I kept on weaving the web of destruction in my mind.

***

I started living up to the self imposed limitations I had set for myself.

I became useless.  I lost my job.  I found myself in questionable situations because deep down I believed I was no good and didn't deserve anything better and my internal compass was lost.

I added partying to the mix.

No better fuel for anti depressants, anti anxiety drugs and epileptic medication than some good ole Vodka Red Bull.

I remember an afternoon in Las Vegas after the Hard Rock Rehab pool party that I actually thought I was going to have a heart attack.  I was lying in bed at 4:30 in the afternoon, with my outfit on for the night, and I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest.

But I threw back a shot of Jager and put my heels on, and it all seemed to go away as I danced the night away.

***

The cycle just kept repeating.

Sorry, no cure my Father used to say.
Well, if there is no cure and no forgiveness, I might as well just keep on truckin'.

I was living my own personal highway to hell and I had to get out of the moving vehicle before it collided into the side of a transport truck.

***

I cancelled an appointment with the Ice Doctor.

I just never went back.   My health was deteriorating and this plan wasn't working.  I called my fabulous Family Doctor and I went back to who I loved.

I wanted off this ride and I wanted my comfy blanket back.

***

And there she was, waiting patiently for me, my sweet, old friend Celexa - my lovely, easy peasy, happy-go-lucky drug of choice.

And I knew I could trust her.
I'd been here before.

So I stayed with her, comfortably numb, for another ten years.