Monsters

"I keep my faith intact, I make sure my prayers are said.
Cause I've learned that the monsters ain't the ones beneath the bed."
- Eric Church

***

There was a real big problem when I looked in that mirror.

I didn't like who I had become.

***

Every single person on this planet has two voices inside their head.  

They have the voice that tells them they are a shitty human being and they have a voice that tells them they are brilliant.  (More politely known as the voice that builds you up and the voice that tears you down.)

There is this ongoing battle between a unicorn and a monster.

(I cannot even fathom that I just used a unicorn as a reference point.)

Whichever one we feed with our thoughts is the voice that grows.

The beauty of antidepressants is that if you find the right drug, it distorts the voices.   They aren't as clear or as loud, so instead of the monster raging, or the monster and the unicorn competing for attention, no one side really wins.

***

But there are two concerns with antidepressants.

The first is that they carry side effects, some of which include the potential for getting worse, all of which can alter your personality.

"Antidepressants can sometimes cause a wide range of unpleasant side effects including but not limited to; nausea, increased weight gain, sexual problems, fatigue, insomnia, dry mouth, blurred vision, constipation, agitation, irritability, dizziness, anxiety."

Yes, I would say that is a "wide range".

My favorite line though is this one.

"Having suicidal thoughts while taking an antidepressant is a serious side effect."

Um, yeah, I would say that is a serious side effect.

NOT LIVING ANYMORE IS A FAIRLY SERIOUS SIDE EFFECT.

Besides the fact that there isn't an area of my body that couldn't potentially have a negative side effect from taking this drug, there is no guarantee that it will make me any better.  In fact, it's a lottery and you just don't know if your number will be called as the "rare case".

(Keep in mind that as I'm pointing this out, I also took one of these drugs, on and off, for over ten years of my life.  There is no judgment here, just sobering reality.)

***

The bigger issue is that they don't solve the problem.

They can, for sure, regain sanity and they sure did with me.  They stabilize the brain and get the neurotransmitters to spark and reconnect.  They can be a great starting point, but they are only half the battle.

After the physical and emotional withdrawal process from the drug, if you ever choose to brave that path, there is something waiting for you that no one ever tells you is coming.

The underlying issue is waiting at the finish line for you, waving at you with a big smile, and jumping up and down in a neon t-shirt.

Because the psychological component has to be faced or the inevitable loop is guaranteed to repeat.

Go on antidepressants.
Life is good.
Come off antidepressants.
Try to surf through the extreme emotions.
Monster comes raring back to life.
Try to hide from monster.
Can't face monster.
Go back on antidepressants.

Round and round the merry-go-round goes.

The underlying issue is always waiting for attention and rarely receives any.

***

I am never going to say I didn't have Rapid Cycling as a problem with my mental health.  It may or may not be in my DNA.  And I may or may not relapse in my future.  But I did something this time around that I had never done before and I would bet the farm it's what made the difference.

(I don't have a farm.   But if I had a farm, I would bet on it - that's how sure I am that this is the key to mental health.)

I chose to fight the monsters.

***

I would define Mental Health as simply this.

Mental Health = 100% of my thoughts + beliefs

If my thoughts and beliefs are horrible, my state of mental health is exactly that.

The monster wins.

If my thoughts and beliefs are amazing and positive, my state of mental health is exactly that.

The unicorn wins.

(Unicorn.   Still amused I used this reference.)

Most people carry a balance of positive and negative thoughts, occasionally swinging one way or the other.

Those with massive depression and anxiety are stuck continually feeding the monster.  It is being fed super-size happy meals with a hot fudge sundae for dessert.

(With cherries on top.)  

(And extra fudge.)

Those with bipolar disorder have extreme swings of feeding both.  We've got green smoothies one day and a bag of Doritos the next.

If 100% of my thoughts and beliefs equals my current state of mental well-being, where am I giving my power away?

Am I feeding the unicorn or the monster?

It almost seems like we are programmed with a default to fuel the monster, doesn't it?  

I wonder why that is?

***

Brene Brown puts this perfectly in her latest book, "Dare to Lead".

She calls us out on how naturally we are seduced by toxic feedback and become slaves to its dominance.

"Don't grab hurtful comments and pull them close to you by rereading them and ruminating on them.   Don't play with them by rehearsing your badass comeback.   And whatever you do, don't pull hatefulness close to your heart.   

Let what's unproductive and hurtful drop at the feet of your unarmored self.   And no matter how much your self doubt wants to scoop up the criticism and snuggle with the negativity so it can confirm its worst fears, or how eager the shame gremlins are to use the hurt to fortify your armour, take a deep breath and find the strength to leave what's mean spirited on the ground.   Cruelty is cheap, easy and chickenshit.   It doesn't deserve your energy or your engagement.   Just step over the comments and keep daring, always remembering that armour is too heavy a price to pay to engage with cheap seat feedback."

***

We have to find a way to adapt and thrive in a world that is demanding gratification.

Social Media is driving external acceptance saying "your self worth is defined by the number of likes you have, the number of friends you have, the number of shares you got."

Our reports cards label us with a grade, our workplaces reward us or punish us with a title, the latest iPhone is better than the last and our overall consumerism is at an all time high.

We have been taught not to settle.   We have been taught that our value is dictated by our accomplishments, our success, our jobs, our status.

What is the first question we hear when meeting someone new?

"What do you do?"

We are quickly categorized into a box, labeled and judged by our answers.

How do we reduce the weight we place on external sources and find peace within ourselves?

***

I made a very important decision the day I looked in that mirror.

I needed to become my own best friend.

I needed to stop placing all my value on what other people thought and find my own voice that was drowning underneath all the noise.

I started by putting up some barriers and committing to doing the work.

I reduced my accessibility on social media, I locked down my accounts, I created boundaries and distance to anyone or anything that wasn't going to be supportive in my personal growth.  I finished up my work contract and jokingly became "semi-retired."

I was literally left with me, myself and I.

Well Bestie, now what?