Brave

"You can be amazing.
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug."
- Sara Bareilles

***

When I was in Grade 8, I was told that I was a really good speaker, but I wouldn't be put through to the area wide speech competition because the topic I picked was too controversial.

The topic was AIDS.

Message received.
Don't talk about anything that might cause controversy.

***

When I was little, I answered all the questions directed to my younger sister.

When she wasn't talking at almost 3 years old, my parents were really worried.

I loved her so much, I really just wanted to help.

Every question that came forward, I chirped in and answered.

My parents frustration increased, and I could hear the impatience in their voices, as I was told over and over again.

"Be quiet and let your sister answer the question."

What I heard and how I interpreted this sentence, shaped my beliefs around the importance of my voice.

Message Received.
You talk too much.   What you are saying isn't important.   Be quiet.

This was never their intention, nor is it ever what was said.

I created this.

This is what filtered through to me.

***

Have you ever stopped and given thought to the beliefs you created and picked up along the way?

I have lots more of them.

"Sarah, do what Mrs. Ward from Class One in England told you and STOP TALKING.   She said to listen and you'll learn."

So I did.

Message Received.
Keep your mouth shut.   Other people have a more important voice than you do.

"Sarah, for God's sake.  Just keep the peace."

Message Received.
Avoid conflict.   Do not state your opinion.  And if you do, backpedal quickly.

(Apologizing to Catherine Zeta Jones is a perfect example of how I have not conquered this yet.)

***

Over the years, this translated into my behavior as a Leader.

I became an exceptional listener with a servant leadership style about how I operated.   I was empathetic, compassionate and provided sound advice.

But I had no voice in the boardroom.

I would clam up around a table of my peers and let everyone else speak first, knowing that we would likely run out of time, and I wouldn't have to say anything at all.

I didn't feel that what I had to say had any value, and I stumbled my way through meeting after meeting, rhyming off accomplishments to justify my existence.

I had so much incredible insight from listening to my team and the teams I was part of, but I never felt worthy enough to share any of it.

***

I created my own demise, and to this day, one of the most powerful things I have done is to take responsibility for my results.  I chose to see it in a different light, and to stop labeling myself as a victim or blame anyone else for my reality.

I did this.

I created everything around me.

No one else did.

I let the monster win.

I let him take the words, put them through a filter, and I took on whatever hat or role fit my narrative.

I needed to accept that I created all my own beliefs, rewrite them and shut the monster up.

***  

New message.

You are ahead of your time.   Our school system isn't ready to handle this topic yet, but keep speaking Sarah, because you have a strong voice and one day it will be heard.

New message.

We are really concerned about your sister because she isn't talking.   Can you help us and we'll see if she can answer some questions?

New message.

Listen and you'll learn.   Take it all in.   Get the whole picture before you form an opinion.   You will be invaluable to any organization if you do.

New message.

There is an art to stating your opinion that can help others see a different perspective.   Invite others to your unique viewpoint.  It doesn't have to be confrontational and there is nothing to be afraid of.

We can choose to decipher our experiences in a completely different way.

***

I started to play a game.

Every time that voice played in my head, I told it to be quiet.

"Sarah, you're never going to get another job".

Be quiet.

"Sarah, you're going to run out of money."

Shut it.

"Sarah, you're never going to make any money writing."

Shut ittttttttttt!!!!!!!

"Sarah, you don't have enough experience for this."

Shut it!   Shut it!  Shut it!
YOU HEAR ME?
I SAID
SHUT ITTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!

Every day, every negative thought that came into my mind, I challenged.

This went on for months and I became consciously aware of every thought.

And I recited what I heard for so long.

SHUT UP AND LET YOUR SISTER SPEAK.

***

And then it was quiet.

Real quiet.

So frighteningly quiet I could hear a pin drop.

I was scared.

Where did the monster go?

I thought I heard a voice.

It was faint, but I was pretty sure of it.

Is that voice mine?

The one hidden so deep I wasn't sure it existed anymore.

Bold, fearless and daring.

Was she brave enough to finally come forward and speak up?

Yes, yes, yes ...  that's her.

***

"Are you sure you're ready for this?"

It was quiet but I'm sure that's what I heard.

Yes, yes of course I am.

Pretty sure I heard a yawn too since that voice had been quiet for so damn long.

"Well, thank God.  It's about time.   Lady, you are outta shape."  

No, NO I'm not!

"I have watched you refuse compliments, depreciate yourself, self sabotage relationships and second guess every decision you make.  Your confidence needs work.  You need to be reminded of your self worth.   You need to understand your value.  If you're truly ready for this, you have to learn to trust yourself and commit to exercises every day to keep my voice strong.  You need Emotional Cross Fit."

Ugh.   Great.  She's pissed.

(And clearly well rested.)

"Put your shoes on."

I'm gonna puke.